OMM - Relationships

A relationship. What is it? That is what I am trying to figure out. How long does it take to discover if the person is 'the one'? That is what I am trying to figure out. What does it mean if my mind is constantly changing the opinion I have on the person? That is what I am trying to figure out. Should I wait a while or give up now? That is what I am trying to figure out. If I spend so much time thinking these things, what meaning does that have? I need some answers because my conscience is giving me no straight answers.

This whole relationship thing is an entire new platform for me. My dad was always strict about the 'NO BOYFRIENDS' rule which I followed. However when the restriction kept extending, from age 16 to high school graduation to UNIVERSITY GRADUATION!!! I do not know why but it made me so upset and frustrated, even to the point of tears. It came to a point where I did not care if the opportunity came for me because my jealousy of seeing other couples everyday after Uni would increase everyday. Walking along the main street as a solo-being really decreased my already low confidence level. I really understood and felt the feeling of loneliness. That must sound so dramatic and ungrateful but that is the reality of my emotions. I became self-admittedly desperate. So here I am, 20 years old, finally matched with a guy. Whether it is a perfect match is in my biggest doubts. 

I am really unsure if the person I am with now is the one I am meant to be with forever. I have constant doubts. My mind is telling me, 'who cares, just stick with this person, they showed interest which is all I wanted therefore I should just let it be`. I feel that perhaps I am being really selfish by staying in this relationship when I am not 100% certain that it is what I want. In fact, I do not know what I want.

Sometimes I have moments where I feel like I am certain I have found the right person but also there are times where I stop and think 'what am I even doing? Is this what I want?'. It kind of feels like I did not let myself have enough time to 'mingle' and just jumped straight into a 'serious' relationship.

Anyway, once again I will leave it here for now and will pick this back up in a Part 2 sometime in the future. Thanks for reading.

Lea GJ